Update...and then some

Well, the good has gotten "gooder", the bad has been eaten, and the ugly isn't quite as ugly. Things are finally feeling a little more normal at home. I really feel like our rough patch over the last few weeks has been mostly just adjusting back to life after this summer. I've learned a lot of things about myself since coming home. I was amazed at how fast I turned back into an angry, controlling mom. Some of you reading this may be surprised by me saying that (I doubt my sisters are) because you don't really see that side of me. That's what has puzzled me the most. I don't think I'm a fake or two-faced or that I try to hide my "ugliness", but that ugliness seems to rear it's head mostly at home (and it's not like I'm that way all the time...but I don't like it at all). After a lot of thought, talking it through, and prayer, I think it's because at home I can (or think I can) have the control. I can control how clean my house is, when I exercise, what my kids can do, etc. Anyone with kids is probably laughing at me right now. That's exactly the problem...when my kids get in the way of any of that (which they do 90% of the time), I go crazy. I get really annoyed at them and often end up yelling at them. Then, I spend the rest of the day hating myself for getting mad at my kids for just being kids. This has been a growing pattern over the past 2 years, and it REALLY bothered me. I felt caught somewhere between knowing it's normal to get annoyed by your kids and feeling like me yelling at them is going to damage them for life. I often felt like talking to a therapist would help, but I would always talk myself out of that by saying that if I just surrendered to the Lord, things would get better (which I wholeheartedly believe...and have experienced). But, after 2 years of saying that and nothing changing, I realized there's got to be something in between me and the Lord, and I really wanted it out of the way. So, knowing we'd be on sabbatical this summer, I had my small group hold me accountable to seeing a therapist. I'm hesitant to say that on a blog (actually, I'm hesitant to say any of this on a blog) because many people see that as a negative thing and have misunderstandings about counseling. There have been many things revealed to me during those times (fear being a major thing), and maybe I'll share more later. But, concerning where my life has been these past few weeks, I feel like 2 main issues have been revealed. 1. There is a battle for control going on between the Lord and me. So, I've been learning a lot about surrendering to the Lord. This has been an ongoing battle my whole life, but I finally desire God more than I desire control. I truly want God to be Lord over all things in my life. And, 2. Why in the world do I care so much about having a clean and orderly home? This has also been a dominating issue my entire life. I have always wanted things to be clean and organized. I can't relax in my house if it's messy. If I need to pack for a trip, everything has to be in it's place before I can pack. If I have a big decision to make, I can't make it with a messy house. And, I plain just like to clean. Cleaning is soothing and comforting to me. I don't clean to impress people...I do it because I like to. So, again where did this neurosis come from? I don't think anything is wrong with having a clean home, but I do think something is wrong with bulldozing my children out of the way to achieve it. On the other hand, I don't think anything is wrong with having a messy home. I often feel more at home and cozy in my friend's homes that aren't all neat and tidy. So, why must I clean? My friend (therapist just sounds too clinical) shared something with me that made perfect sense to me and has really changed my perspective on a lot of things. Basically, I go to "cleaning" for my comfort instead of the Lord. That sounds so simple, so obvious...but, so HUGE. I haven't allowed the Lord to be my comfort (who is the God of all comfort 2 Corinthians 1:3), or my refuge (for He is my refuge Psalm 91:2) or my security (He who fears the Lord has a secure fortress Proverbs 14:26), or my Rock (the Lord is the rock eternal Isaiah 26:4). I've been trying to create my own comfort with false security on shifting sand. It doesn't work. So, does that mean that my home is a pig sty now? No, but when that compulsion comes to clean, I try to go to the Lord instead. I've also tried really hard not to clean or exercise when my kids are home and awake and Joel's not here to love on them. And, this is only one of the things that the Lord has been doing in my life lately, which is why when someone asks me how sabbatical was, it's like a loaded question because there is sooooo much to say. The main thing I kept hearing from the Lord this summer was "I'm giving you a new home," and I think I'm starting to understand what that means.